Life without you.

Love.

Do we really know what it truly means? Do we really get the comprehensive details that it entails? Do we know how to command the term to mean something meaningful instead of a word that seems to small that even the biggest of reasons to use it can’t even remember to? Do we use it to just make people feel better about themselves, or do we use it to make ourselves feel better? Do we realize that what we are saying means something to the other person we say it to? Why do we use such a short word for something to mean infinity times the moon can ever say? Why do we use love like it’s a football? Throwing it around trying to make passes when in the end, we won’t ever touchdown because love isn’t a game of football……. it’s a game of forever + being committed to someone. Football doesn’t commit. 

Love

To me love is destroying someone so much that they run back to you even though you don’t deserve them. Love is seeing past the perfections and flaws by just meeting in the middle. Love is breaking someone into tiny little pieces that you pick those pieces up by yourself after they’ve already walked away for good. Love is being in the dark but seeing the brightness. Love is seeing the moon when the sun is shining bright. Love is forgiving someone over and over again even when they didn’t deserve it. Love is saying never but giving forever. Love is leaving someone in the dark for so long that they begin to question even their own sanity. Love is being capable of being with someone who doesn’t take offense to questions instead takes defense and touches down with the right field goal. Love is wanting that person to stay even though you’re standing alone.

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I’ve dealt with heartbreak in my own way. I listen to sad songs that make me cry. I realize all the things I did to deserve this heartbreak. I stay up till 4am trying to create happier scenarios in my head to make me feel better. I remember happier times to get me through the gut wrenching bruised moments of my life. Love to me is more than a word. Love to me is something that most people my age will never know exists or is right in front of them. I had love in the most realest of fakest ways. I didn’t treat it like I should have. I gave less when he gave more than he needed to. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve love like that. I kept wanting more when I was just giving the bare minimal. I think about him all the time , + sometimes it makes me physically sick to think about the whole situation. You know how Taylor Swift wrote Dear John for John Mayer and it all makes us physically sick to listen to that song because of what he did to her?  That is how I feel when I think of the love I got but didn’t deserve to get.  “Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you, counting my footsteps praying the floor won’t fall through again.” Taylor writes perfectly just how I felt, how I still feel a lot of the times. I don’t deserve to be loved by someone like him. He didn’t deserve what I did to him, or what I never gave him in return. He could’ve loved me like no other, he could’ve been the one to erase everything I ever thought love was like before. Love was never a black or white picture for him. Love was colored by what his parents had taught him.  He was perfect. I was minimal at best. Heartbreak to me is weird, crazy and teaches me that I’m not the only one who has gone through the heartbreak of not my heart breaking but someone else’s heart breaking because of me.  I know I’m not the best when it comes to love, and I know it won’t be the last time I feel it. All I know and all I want is for him to be happy, to know what real love.

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As I end this blog, I just want to say sorry to that person. Sorry I didn’t give you what you needed, wanted or deserved. Sorry I ran away when the moon and sun combined right in front of me. Sorry for treating you like the person you never were. Sorry for giving you a misconception about what love really is. Sorry for breaking your heart into tiny little pieces and then trying to pick them up when you walked away for good. I hope you find the love of your life and she treats you like you deserve. I hope you find someone who will be the center of your life, and love your family just as much as she loves you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that girl, even though I still wish and want to be that very girl for you. 

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